Blog 11: Expectations – Whose Rules Are You Living By?
Photo by @vlada-yakovenko
Expectations…
Are different to aspirations (Blog 10), resilience (Blog 9), and meaning & purpose (Blog 8). They form the 4th pillar of the CHEXS GROWTH Programme, but as I’ve explored in earlier blogs, a lot of the pressure around expectations comes not from us, but from what we feel, consciously or unconsciously, from other people.
I see it with my own children. My son Josh sensing the expectation that he shouldn’t ask for a chip butty at a posh wedding. My daughter Bex holding back from doing six cartwheels through the crowd entering the church. Or the parent who sets clear expectations that their child will study law at Oxford (linking again to aspirations in Blog 10).
But in truth, the person who puts the most pressure on you should be yourself. And that is never easy. This is where discipline (Blog 5) comes in, because often we fail to maintain the expectations we set for ourselves.
Photo by @sketchify
Some people have said to me
that expectations feels like a strange pillar in the GROWTH Programme:
1. Meaning and Purpose
2. Aspirations
3. Resilience
4. Expectations
The first three are values that naturally build self-esteem and are easy to connect together. Expectations feels less synced, more complicated.
But through my time in the Royal Navy and later working with young people in London, I saw that expectations are often the hardest thing to face. On a nine-month deployment, it wasn’t the wife wanting her husband to lose weight, or the commanding officer wanting discipline, it was whether the individual could take ownership and set that expectation for themselves. The same was true in schools, a young person could be told to show respect or turn up on time, but until they felt that expectation themselves, change rarely happened.
Photo of Growth Team group talk
At CHEXS,
I’ve seen the same lesson play out through the programmes our team delivers. When young people work outdoors, the first thing set out are clear expectations around safety. Without trust, there’s no freedom to really tackle a challenge, whether it’s cutting down a hawthorn tree or handling equipment. The expectation is simple: wear the PPE, follow the safety guidance, and support each other.
At first, some are sceptical. They draw on habits from home or school, where avoiding embarrassment or failure often takes priority. But because our staff hold themselves to the same rules, the trust builds quickly. If one of us forgets to put safety glasses back on after wiping the sweat from our brow, the young people are encouraged to remind us. If a team member takes a breather after heavy lifting, they’re open about being tired.
Young people soon realise the expectations we set for them are no different from the ones we hold for ourselves. That’s when something shifts. Before long, they’re reminding staff to put the gear back on and crack on with the job. And that’s when the magic happens — they begin to understand that the expectations you set for yourself, not the ones imposed by others, are the ones that help you feel good and start to truly believe in yourself.
Photo CHEXS Growth children and young people
Recent reflections
Two recent experiences reminded me how expectations are shaped, not by slogans or noise, but by how we act when no one is watching.
The first was at Radio 2 in the Park. While taking a short break, a man beside me suddenly said, “Come with me and join the revolution. Join 100,000 people to march on the city to take our country back.” I said no. Immediately, he fired back, “Are you not patriotic? Do you not love your country?”
That’s a hard one to answer automatically. Yes, I do love my country. I joined the Royal Navy at 16, served in the Gulf War at 17, and was in Bosnia at 21/22. I’ve spent my entire adult life serving and continue to support people within this nation. But I don’t subscribe to his perspective or believe in his angry, aggressive approach, one that I know from experience can only lead to division and harm. I’ve seen mass persecution of people abroad, and we should not imagine it couldn’t happen here.
Thankfully, the conversation shifted into something more diplomatic. But it left me reflecting on how expectations, whether shouted in anger or draped in patriotism, can push people to align with something that doesn’t reflect their values. There is already so much anger in this world. We need leaders, communities, and individuals to focus on the values that bring us together, not drive us apart
Photo by @toonandlogo
Right now in Britain,
Blurred government policies on immigration and asylum have left people confused and frustrated. Many who once celebrated our country’s diversity are now being pulled towards anger, with the far right exploiting those feelings to build their cause. Expectations get twisted here too, with the message that patriotism must equal hostility to migrants.
We’ve seen this same theme play out more widely in society. Something as simple as a flag can carry very different expectations. The St George’s flag, for example, can be a symbol of pride and belonging, but it has also been used to divide and polarise. Some assume that because you fought for your country, your patriotism must mean supporting the view that England should have no ethnicity. But my own experience was very different.
Recently, Gary Neville spoke out about how the Union Flag has been “used in a negative fashion,” arguing that true patriotism means inclusion, not hostility. It reminded me of George Orwell’s reflection that “the working man’s heart does not leap when he sees a Union Jack”, that the truest form of Englishness is quiet decency, not loud allegiance. I share that belief. Patriotism, like expectation, should never be demanded or performed; it should be lived through fairness, integrity, and kindness. Symbols only have meaning when they unite rather than divide.
Photo by @enamostudios
In the Gulf,
Our role was to support Kuwait after it was invaded and occupied by Saddam Hussein’s forces, when hundreds of thousands of civilians were displaced. In Bosnia, I saw communities persecuted and torn apart by ethnic cleansing. The UK, alongside many others, stepped in to provide protection, humanitarian aid, and, in the end, stability. For me, flags in those contexts weren’t about intimidation, they were about unity in defending people who were vulnerable and giving them a chance to live in safety.
That same idea of living by personal expectations surfaced again closer to home, when Josh started his first paper round. When he came back, he told me he had delivered one paper to the wrong address, so he cycled back to the shop, explained the mistake, and offered to pay for another copy. He could easily have ignored it, but he chose to put it right.
It was a small act, yet it captured something big: the quiet expectation to take responsibility even when no one is looking. The shop owner had his own expectation, to deliver the best service to his customers. Both sides met those expectations with honesty and respect. That’s what builds trust, and that’s what truly defines character.
Expectations deserve their place alongside meaning and purpose, aspirations, and resilience in the GROWTH Programme. They may feel like the most difficult pillar because they ask people to look inward rather than outward. But when expectations are owned by the individual, not imposed by guilt, fear, or others’ ambitions, they become the bridge that turns resilience into action, aspirations into reality, and purpose into real change.
