Above Photo @gettyimages
Building Confidence and Self-Esteem in Tweens and Teens:
Helping Young People Feel “Enough”
As children move into their tween and teenage years, the way they see themselves can begin to change dramatically. Friendships become more important, appearance can feel more significant, and young people may become increasingly aware of what others think of them. Add social media, academic expectations and the pressure to fit in, and it is easy to understand why confidence and self-esteem can sometimes take a knock. At CHEXS, we believe young people need spaces where they can be themselves, feel heard and discover that their value isn’t determined by likes, appearance, popularity or achievement. Confidence grows through connection, not constant praise.
Above Photo @pexels
Understanding The Difference Between Confidence and Self-Esteem
Confidence and self-esteem are closely connected, but they aren’t quite the same. Confidence is often about believing, “I can do this,” while self-esteem is more about feeling, “I am worthy and valued, even when things don’t go perfectly.” A young person might appear confident around friends or in sport but privately struggle with how they feel about themselves. This is why building healthy self-esteem isn’t simply about telling children how brilliant they are. It develops through everyday experiences: being listened to, trusted with responsibility, included, encouraged to try, and knowing that the adults around them value who they are rather than just what they achieve.
The Comparison Trap
Comparison has always been part of growing up, but today’s young people can be exposed to it almost constantly. Social media can present carefully selected snapshots of other people’s lives, appearance, friendships, holidays, clothes, achievements and experiences. Even when young people understand that what they see online isn’t the whole picture, it can still influence how they feel about themselves. Rather than simply telling your child to “stop comparing yourself”, try opening a conversation. Ask, “How does looking at that make you feel?” or “Do you think we’re seeing the whole story?” Helping young people question what they see can be more powerful than simply telling them it isn’t real.
Create Connection Before Offering Solutions
When a young person says, “I’m ugly,” “Nobody likes me,” or “I’m rubbish at everything,” our natural instinct can be to immediately disagree: “Of course you’re not!” Although this comes from a place of love, sometimes they need us to understand the feeling before trying to fix it. Try responding with, “It sounds like you’re having a really difficult day. What has made you feel like that?” Listen first. Give them space to explain without immediately correcting, questioning or solving the problem. Regular everyday connection, talking in the car, cooking together, going for a walk or simply sitting together, can create the safe moments in which bigger conversations naturally happen.
Above Photo @gettysignature
Praise The Process, Not Just The Outcome
Praise absolutely has a place, but confidence isn’t built by telling a young person they’re amazing at everything. In fact, constant praise can sometimes make children feel they need to keep succeeding to maintain our approval. Instead, notice the things they can control: effort, kindness, courage, curiosity, persistence and willingness to try. Rather than only saying, “That’s a brilliant result,” try, “I noticed how much effort you put into that,” or, “You kept going even when you found it difficult.” And allow young people to get things wrong. Making a mistake, solving a problem and realising they can recover from it can provide a genuine sense of achievement.
Help them Discover Who They Are Away From The Screen
One of the strongest ways to support a young person’s self-esteem is to give them opportunities to discover what makes them them. It doesn’t have to be something they’re naturally brilliant at. Sport, music, art, cooking, gaming, volunteering, being outdoors, caring for animals or learning a practical skill can all provide opportunities for connection and achievement. Encourage interests without turning everything into a competition or measure of success. A young person doesn’t need to be the best footballer, artist or musician for an activity to have value. Sometimes simply having something they enjoy, somewhere they belong and people they connect with can make an enormous difference.
Above Photo @pexels
Give Young People A Voice And Genuine Responsibility
As children become teenagers, they naturally want more independence. Giving them appropriate choices and responsibilities communicates something powerful: “I trust you.” Invite their opinions, involve them in family decisions where appropriate and let them take ownership of manageable responsibilities. This might mean planning part of a family day, managing their own school equipment, helping prepare dinner or deciding how they organise their homework. Try to resist stepping in immediately when something goes wrong. Being trusted to work something out, while knowing support is available, helps young people recognise their own capabilities. Confidence develops through experiencing “I did that”, rather than always hearing “You can do it.”
Above Photo @gettysignature
Notice When They Might Need Some Extra Support
Ups and downs in confidence are a normal part of adolescence, but parents and carers know their children best. Pay attention to changes that persist, perhaps your child begins withdrawing from friends or activities they previously enjoyed, becomes particularly critical of themselves, seems increasingly worried about appearance or comparison, or regularly expresses that they aren’t good enough. Keep conversations open and involve their school or another appropriate professional if you’re concerned. At CHEXS, our Family Support Team works alongside families, while our Children and Young People Team creates opportunities for young people to build relationships, develop skills, have their voices heard and experience positive connections with trusted adults and their peers.
Above Photo @gettyimages
Supporting Confidence and Self-Esteem for Children with SEND
For children and young people with SEND, confidence and self-esteem can sometimes be affected by feeling different from their peers or by finding certain situations more difficult to manage. Challenges with communication, learning, sensory needs, friendships or emotional regulation can all have an impact on how a young person sees themselves, particularly if they regularly feel misunderstood or compared with others. It is important to recognise their individual strengths, interests and achievements and to give them opportunities to succeed in ways that are meaningful to them. Simple things such as allowing extra processing time, offering clear choices, adapting expectations and listening to what helps them feel comfortable can make a real difference. Most importantly, children and young people with SEND need to feel accepted, included and valued for who they are, not defined by the things they may find difficult.
Above Photo @gettyimages
A Final Thought From CHEXS Family Support Team
Building confidence and self-esteem isn’t about creating a young person who never doubts themselves. It’s about helping them develop a secure sense that they matter, they belong and they are enough, even on the difficult days.
Small everyday moments can have the biggest impact. Listen before fixing. Notice effort rather than perfection. Give them responsibilities. Encourage interests without comparison. Make space for conversations away from screens. And, most importantly, remind them through your actions that your connection with them isn’t dependent on grades, popularity, appearance or achievements.
Young people don’t need to be perfect to feel proud of who they are. They need people around them who help them recognise their own value.
